Paul A. Mendelson

The Makings of Emily Jensen

The Makings of Emily Jensen is a collection of short stories and novellas by BAFTA-nominated comedy writer Paul A. Mendelson.

The title story is a romantic comedy about a single woman in her late thirties who sets out to have a baby without any strings or attachments, but soon discovers that fathers need babies too.

Better Late is an unusual ghost story where a middle-aged man meets the father he never knew: a 21-year-old biker who died before his son was even born.

Penalty! is a memory tale; a man in his seventies happily recalls how he and his three school pals exacted poetic revenge on the Car-Washing Maniac of Number 43.

The longest novella, SKI-ing, is all about murder. It’s what two adult siblings decide to do when their rich but seriously awful parents suddenly announce that they are going SKI-ing (Spending Kids’ Inheritance). But parenticide isn’t easy, so they swiftly need ‘professional’ help.

Henry the Half-Time Hero

Henry Jaffa has a problem. His mum teaches English at his school and his dad is head of PE.

But this isn’t the half of it.

Dad is secretly Orangeman, the most powerful superhero in the universe.

Unfortunately, and to Dad’s disappointment, Henry is merely half a hero. He has superpowers but they only turn up spasmodically. He has no idea which ones will kick in or how long they’ll stay. At first Henry had to be home-schooled; now it’s time for high school and pretending to be ‘normal’.

But when a nosy schoolgirl uncovers the family ‘secret’ and writes a not-so-fictional book about it, Orangeman’s nemesis, mad scientist Dr Arnold Cramp, figures out who Dad really is – and discovers a way to rob him of all his powers…

The only person in the world who can stop the evil, reboot Orangeman and make our world safe again is half-time Henry.

Can Henry win the day – or will his unpredictable powers fail him?

Any Lengths to Please

Any Lengths to Please is a uniquely entertaining compendium by BAFTA-nominated screenwriter and acclaimed novelist Paul A. Mendelson. A short story, a novella, a medium-sized novel and a brief literary ‘confection’, designed to whet any appetite.

The shortest, Einstein, is a quirky love story, set in New York State, about a young woman finding her Mr Wrong.

I Can’t be Ill, I’m a Hypochondriac is a semi-autobiographical and wryly poignant tale about the effect on a family when a member is diagnosed with a serious cancer. It tells how life and work don’t stop – they just become infinitely more fraught.

Lost Souls, the novel, is a laugh-out-loud, larger-than-life fable. It tells of how the scuzziest guy in LA, a soulless, dissolute ‘porn’-broker, has to find love in five days with the kindest, least-worldly soul around, a scruffy Lake District shepherdess, or go straight to Hell!

A Perfect Murder Story, a brief ‘confection’, is told entirely in letters from a script-editing agency to a would-be scriptwriter. But what sort of plot does the fledgling scribe really have in mind?

The Forever Moment

When an acclaimed Scottish author, on a book tour to the US to promote his latest romantic novel, The Forever Moment, meets a young woman who looks strikingly similar to a long-lost love from a high-school exchange to Kentucky, he wonders if he left behind more than memories twenty-two years ago.

But when he digs deeper and is finally reunited with his lost love, who he thought had abandoned him after a whirlwind romance, he discovers that life isn’t quite like the plot of a trashy novel. And some memories can hold you back as well as spur you on.

The Forever Moment is a wryly funny, dramatic and gripping story that takes us back to the first heady stirrings of teenage romance. It examines how we hold onto and romanticise the past, which can stop us moving forward. And that, with maturity, comes a deeper understanding.

'Compelling. A real page-turner. Full of romance, comedy and great one-liners.' David Lister, The Independent

'A beautifully written and deeply touching love story, with an elegant plot, and an engaging protagonist.' Leigh Russell, bestselling author of the Geraldine Steel series

Their Exits and Their Entrances

We used to get standing ovations. Now we get ovations for standing.

 

The last place in which that great lady of the theatre Elspeth Quest wishes to spend her final years is Dustingford Hall, rest-home for retired actors and entertainers. Yet failing health and worse investments have led her to become a charity case here. 

 

She blanches at the sight of various actors and actresses, in various degrees of physical and mental decline, with whom she has worked over the years but never really wished to see again. (Not to mention tap-dancers, ventriloquists, impressionists, contortionists!) Telling them all she is only here until her town house in Kensington has completed major structural improvements, she wonders how she is ever going to survive. Or, more importantly, explain her permanent stay.

 

But all these performers, who once lived purely for the present are now talking only of the past. As though simply waiting to die. When she observes the residents jeering en masse at a TV talent show, Elspeth sees her opportunity. She tells them to stop living in the past – they still have their talents – they should put on one tremendous final show for family, friends and trustees. And for themselves. It’s Christmas, for heaven’s sake. (And of course she will produce, direct and star!)

 

But will it truly give them all a new lease of life – or will they die trying?

Praise for Their Exits and Their Entrances:

"Funny and touching – brilliantly distinctive characters." David Lister, The Independent.

"A feel-good novel of considerable substance that will be loved by fans of The Thursday Murder Club." Petra Fried, BAFTA-winning producer. The Misfits. End of the F***ing World.

"Laugh-out loud on London Transport funny." Carolyn Pickles, Actress. Broadchurch. Harry Potter. Canterville Ghost. 

"A truly charming read. A tale of ‘dramatic’ twists and turns." Francine White, Show business journalist

"Unpredictable, unsentimental, unputdownable." Daniel Peak, BAFTA-winning writer. Not Going Out. Code 404. Horrible Histories.

"Witty, touching and profound. No murders but plenty of ‘corpsing’. Mendelson’s best yet." Paul Harrison, BAFTA-winning director. Ballykissangel. A Touch of Frost.

Must Have GSOH

To get the girl of his dreams he needs a good sense of humour. To get a good sense of humour he needs a miracle. Stephen Gibson is a gifted young horticulturist. But surprisingly this isn't the quality most women look for in a mate. According to all the 'personals', it's GSOH. A good sense of humour. Trouble is, Stephen doesn't have one. Not a trace! Surely he can acquire a GSOH – and win the girl of his dreams. How hard can it be? He reckons the Killer Comedy Academy can teach him all he needs to know. Yet it's the person he least expects who shows him how he can really stand-up for himself.

Funnies, The

Twelve-year-old Marius is on the run from the Government. He’s the only one in the whole nation that values his sense of humour. Everyone else was de-humoured at birth – well, most people were. Yet somehow with Marius there was a glitch.

He is captured on the run, but this time it’s not the soldiers. He has been taken by The Funnies – renegades who, like him, somehow escaped the ‘zappers’ at birth, but were betrayed by their loved ones. Marius meets their leader – Clown, plus Punchline, Slapstick, Stand-Up, Dummy (and his wooden owl, Too-Wit), Corny, Sick, Sarky, Mimic, Poo (yes, sorry) and Mime. He is entranced – kindred spirits – fellow laughers.

His loyalties are put to the test when The Funnies snatch his best friend Peter, humourless son of Mr. J, the Deputy Minister of Humour. Marius dreams of being able to make Peter laugh. 

Could the de-humouring be reversible and if so, could he restore the humour of an entire population? 

The Art of Listening

Stories don’t emerge out of thin air. They’re inspired from what we see, what we hear and most importantly, what we experience. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes moving, often plain weird. All a writer has to do is – listen.

In this intriguing and occasionally surreal volume of novellas and shorter fiction, BAFTA-nominated screenwriter and acclaimed novelist Paul A. Mendelson explores with humour and pathos how our worlds make us so vulnerably human. 

A volunteer on a helpline hears a voice at the other end that changes her world forever...

A failing scriptwriter tries to sell his mad movie to a famous director by pretending it’s the story of his life...

A proud Scotsman wakes up after a mild stroke to discover he has turned English...

A middle-aged man whose young father died before he was born meets his long lost parent in a dusty attic...

A husband leaves his wife forever – until he realises he has left his precious watch behind...

A Meeting in Seville

A Meeting in Seville follows a couple whose marriage is on the rocks. They return to Seville on Semana Santa (Easter) for a `second honeymoon', a gift from their daughter, only to encounter their own younger selves, on their first honeymoon exactly 30 years earlier.

William Sutherland (53), is stressed, work-obsessed and alienated from his vibrant Spanish wife Luisa (52), whom he suspects of an affair with old friend and current business partner Sandy. He could do without a 30th anniversary gift from their concerned daughter. When they encounter their happily-honeymooning selves, (Will 23 and Lu 22) they think they've gone mad. Somehow two worlds have collided in this unchanging city – yet the only element of the other era is that the two couples can see each other. William and Luisa recognise `themselves' but the youngsters think they're simply a nice if fractious couple here in Seville in 1988. William is drawn to the appealing young woman his wife once was. Whilst Luisa looks in sadness at the couple these sweet lovers have become. But Sandy, William's best-man was also in Seville that long-ago week. Was this when the fatal `attraction' took hold? When William accidentally discovers that he has the ability to tamper with history, he contrives to ease the young Sandy out of Luisa's life but soon finds his efforts turning into something more potent...

Losing Arthur

In Hackney, London, Zack Farmer – quirky, imaginative but bullied at school – has only one true friend in the world: Arthur. The trouble is, only Zack can see him, and one day Zack’s mum gets fed up, grabs Arthur, stuffs the handful of what she thinks is thin air into a box and posts it to Zack’s long-departed and vanished Scottish father, Stuart.

In Cape Fury, Scotland, a farmer called Stuart opens the mysterious box. It contains something only his wee eight-year old girl, Kirstie can see: a befuddled, odd-looking little creature. A shiny green chap with an extra eye in the back of his head. A streetwise, Cockney ‘lad’, calling himself Arthur. But there’s one big problem – Arthur, so far from home and Zack, is fading fast. Quick-thinking Arthur has left a valuable part of himself behind in London. A tiny, green disc - a clue to save his life. So now loner Zack, usually so timid, has to set off on a perilous journey to rescue his imaginary friend before he fades away forever. But there’s one massive problem. Someone or something out there is trying to stop Zack...

Paul A. Mendelson is a British writer known for his work on television and radio. His comedy series include the long-running, BAFTA-nominated BBC series May to December as well as So Haunt Me and My Hero. He wrote Losing It, a film for ITV starring Martin Clunes, which was nominated for the Televisual Best Writing Award and has been broadcast worldwide. Paul wrote the Radio 4 plays I am I said, Fireworks at the Villa Lucia and A Meeting In Seville. He has adapted the latter into a screenplay, which is currently in development. Recent radio dramas have included

six adaptations of Joyce Porter’s crime novels about the appalling Chief Inspector Wilfred Dover and the highly-acclaimed CS Forester dramatisations, CS Forester’s London Noir. Paul created the cult series Neighbors From Hell, broadcast in the US. He has written two new US pilots and three movies with LA screenwriter Alan Moscowitz and is also developing comedy and drama projects elsewhere.

In the Matter of Isabel

STAFF PICK: A beautifully told story from start to finish, a true page-turner that will keep you hooked until the very last sentence. Isabel is the debut of what should be the start of an exciting story-telling journey.   [Philippa Iliffe, Marketing Controller]

Rick, a wannabe corporate whiz-kid from Hackney, is transfixed when the exotic Isabel Velazco walks into his Edgware Road law office. She desperately needs his help to get her son Sebastian back. Three years ago, following a divorce from Sebastian’s father, Isabel took her son back to Argentina – with his dad’s consent. But when Sebastian visited his dad for Christmas, he never returned. Now, five long months later, she has raised the money to try and get him back. Cocky Rick believes he holds all the cards as he takes on Isabel’s case. But who exactly is playing whom? Is the ‘helpless’ Isabel all that she seems?

Paul A. Mendelson is a British writer known for his work on television and radio. His comedy series include the long-running, BAFTA-nominated BBC series May to December as well as So Haunt Me and My Hero. He wrote Losing It, a film for ITV starring Martin Clunes, which was nominated for the Televisual Best Writing Award and has been broadcast worldwide. Paul wrote the Radio 4 plays I am I said, Fireworks at the Villa Lucia and A Meeting In Seville. He has adapted the latter into a screenplay, which is currently in development. Recent radio dramas have included six adaptations of Joyce Porter’s crime novels about the appalling Chief Inspector Wilfred Dover and the highly-acclaimed CS Forester dramatisations, CS Forester’s London Noir. Paul created the cult series Neighbors From Hell, broadcast in the US. He has written two new US pilots and three movies with LA screenwriter Alan Moscowitz and is also developing comedy and drama projects elsewhere.